Few and far between the writing occurs, yet it lies within my heart and I speak it with each night. Forty steps and then some, to my house. My next challenge has become chess moves in an endless game. How many steps to take before I live again, before I leave this earth? Tomorrow it will be forty two steps and then some, carefully maneuvered down to my home, my sanctuary in the trees. With cracked hip, I will descend and ascend so I can keep my spirits in tact, and not feel as displaced physically as I can be emotionally.
Within this past week, we heard an array of news. CAT scans, bone scans, an MRI and some fluids, I am mending and breaking at the same time. The A-fortune-for drug is working! It has stabilized the cancer, the bones, and shown even some healing signs in the liver, and disappearance of those new spots that appeared in the lungs in early September. Though a long way from the finish line, it appears we are gaining back ground. However, the bones did not escape damage. I have a crack in the hip that has me immobilized until we can repair it, hopefully soon and with minimal surgery. I have fractures in the spine that unnerve me and it is true that we have forty two steps down to the entry of our house, with further steps up to my son’s bedroom. Obstacles, setbacks, and yet steps that go down, also seem to go up.
My body is aged and perhaps I will not ride a horse through the hills of Spain again, but I will see the New Year emerge with brighter tomorrows with the help of a little oblong pill that I sing to, four days a week. It’s my edge in the chess game. My voice will encourage the A-fortune-for to mend, even as my will was questioned, as I digested the news of my cracked out hip with a gulp of singeing words like “we can’t catch a break”, I bowed to the setback and summoned a chord of some bad 70’s music and remembrance of a walk in the moonlight, singing with friends just days before this news. One step ahead, one song for the soul, one step down to the house and one step up towards my sweet son’s bedroom. Forty two steps and then some towards the road to healing.
keepthecalm 
you are in my thoughts, and may your steps be as light as a feather.
As always, thank you….
So good to hear from you, and that you’ve had some postive news. Sorry about the hip, but happy that some things seem to be going your way. Take care.
Barb in Minnesota
I just love your writing. Even when you’re describing unpleasant stuff, it is still lyrical.
My wish for you is that the new year brings absolutely everything you need to keep climbing those 42 beautiful steps!
xo
the rythym of your writing is like a beautiful song. even keening in pain can sound fitting and lyrical, it’s plaintive note a truth of your story, because the chorus is one of such hope, gratitude, and a forward looking vision of climbing those 42 steps, smiling and healed with very different soft song in your heart. i will BELIEVE for you that your song of the vision you have for yourself will soon be a reality.
love, XOXO,
karen, TC
Every time I read your posts I’m filled with a sense of hope. Even in the midst of all you’ve faced, you manage to exude strength. Rock on, girl! We’re pulling for you.
I’m always so happy to see a post from you. I think of you often and I pray that your little “a fortune for” pill continues to heal you. Amazing.
I was delighted to read your news! I remember counting steps along my path to recovery. Glad to know you’ve made the first move and called “Check”. Keep on playing and look forward to calling “Mate!”
Rock on my friend. It may be one step back but it’s many more steps forward… With so much love from across the pond ….
Jen…
Sending love and hugs and everything I can in your direction. Eye on the prize… N-E-D ….
oooops…. forgot…. this:
xoxoxoxox
AnneMarie