42 steps and then some

Few and far between the writing occurs, yet it lies within my heart and I speak it with each night. Forty steps and then some, to my house. My next challenge has become chess moves in an endless game. How many steps to take before I live again, before I leave this earth? Tomorrow it will be forty two steps and then some, carefully maneuvered down to my home, my sanctuary in the trees. With cracked hip, I will descend and ascend so I can keep my spirits in tact, and not feel as displaced physically as I can be emotionally.

Within this past week, we heard an array of news. CAT scans, bone scans, an MRI and some fluids, I am mending and breaking at the same time. The A-fortune-for drug is working! It has stabilized the cancer, the bones, and shown even some healing signs in the liver, and disappearance of those new spots that appeared in the lungs in early September. Though a long way from the finish line, it appears we are gaining back ground. However, the bones did not escape damage. I have a crack in the hip that has me immobilized until we can repair it, hopefully soon and with minimal surgery. I have fractures in the spine that unnerve me and it is true that we have forty two steps down to the entry of our house, with further steps up to my son’s bedroom. Obstacles, setbacks, and yet steps that go down, also seem to go up.

My body is aged and perhaps I will not ride a horse through the hills of Spain again, but I will see the New Year emerge with brighter tomorrows with the help of a little oblong pill that I sing to, four days a week. It’s my edge in the chess game. My voice will encourage the A-fortune-for to mend, even as my will was questioned, as I digested the news of my cracked out hip with a gulp of singeing words like “we can’t catch a break”, I bowed to the setback and summoned a chord of some bad 70’s music and remembrance of a walk in the moonlight, singing with friends just days before this news. One step ahead, one song for the soul, one step down to the house and one step up towards my sweet son’s bedroom. Forty two steps and then some towards the road to healing.

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Staging and effects

The flames soar high out of my head with flashes that serve as a reminder to the illness inside. My mouth is singed, my heart gets weary and I found myself saying to a friend that I have begun to feel the effects of my cancer ‘stage’. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a giving in passage, perhaps it is the acceptance part of this cancer that I read of recently. Accepting I will carry this burden in some way or another throughout my days, may they be long and not so arduous though.

I began my new chemo. It is a pill, so fewer visits to chemo jail. I will go in for fluids, blood work and such, to keep an eye. It has been one week on the chemo pill, which was suggested by ‘the beyond state of the art’ cancer technology and sanctioned by my doctor. I just found out that apparently my cancer pathways are pointing in the Neuroendocrine Cancer direction. I am a rare bird, Breast Cancer that metasticized into this NC. This has been up for debate for a year now, and the technology confirmed my docs suspicion. It’s an angry cancer, so I choose to be calm….I’m not letting it get angry. This means those of you around me must face this with me in peace with little stress and minimize the blazing energy. I can be a tough badass fighter in a cool and collected way. Distancing myself from the realities of this stage, and just hold on….

This first week on Afinitor (A Fortune For…) has been okay, except for the return of the mouth sores yesterday. I wonder if this is just my body still needing to heal and having too much activity and nervous energy surrounding me. We have had an influx of visitors from the east coast. All wonderful, but tiring and having me feel weary from the questions. It is difficult to let go of my old self, the hostess and rest while they fuss around me; it is a stressor that I suppose I should not have right now. so, I meditate these sores will not be as bad as the last bout. Tomorrow I will receive fluids, get some rest in chemo jail, and hopefully learn that my white count will be normal. I need this drug to work and be somewhat kind to my body. I don’t want to start out feeling the effects of the high on the very first week. Supposedly I am to take this drug daily, though doc started me on it for only four days a week. I want to be well and ready to dissipate the angry tumors. The options are getting thin, so I need to work up to a week of this remedy. This drug is ‘a fortune for’, so it should work right!?

The cost and hoops of this drug makes me wonder…
If I didn’t have the insurance, the blessed connections in the medical research field, the support of generous friends….where would I be?
It has me thinking of those less fortunate and wanting to help in someway. I wish our presidential hopefuls were spending time worrying about the lives of those who cannot afford illness than the shit they dance around in tireless debates of rhetoric. This is a great topic that I, unfortunately, do not have the energy to write more of now…but it is on my mind. You are all on my mind.