It is time for me to drink in the juices and see how the navy beans have turned out.
Getting my scans today and having faith that all will turn out to be positive news. As I drink another strange cocktail, I realize that I have become accustomed to these cancer days, or routines. I know what to expect of the flavor of the day, which is a bit comforting (while also discomforting) when facing the unexpected, when facing decisions that are beyond our control. For me, it is important to carry some baggage to chemo jail, to these days of scans. Literally, my chemo bag…though I’m sure the other kind of baggage is pretty present too. There is a lot to sift through and I like to have it all handy. I like to be able to write, to drink water, sift through the fuzzy brain and search for thoughts on love, life, and the best way to raise my son. I’ve expelled worry as much as possible, and attempt to leave doubt under the rug somewhere far away. My chemo bag must be filled with safe comforts, I try to rationalize the negative baggage, and if I can’t, simply save it for another day or for the person that is apart of the thoughts. Usually while carrying heavy bags, they are filled with expectations of another, so I’ve learned to give it back to them. I can’t have shoes that don’t fit in my bag right now, so there is a quilt (made for me by a friend’s mother’s prayer group), a journal, licorice, and love.