my sweet son sleeps and gives me the time to reflect.
June began with a cloud (of course) in the great northwest, but it not only rains to keep the ferns green, the clouds have opened the tears to my memories. It is not with serious melancholy that I write this passage though, for in the end the experiences occurred as they should and laid the groundwork for clarity, calmness, and a clear heart. I had always been working towards those, but bumps in the road usually bring us back to what we try to change. Not anymore in the rainy state I am residing.
So, it was one year ago today as I drove home from work, my cell phone rang, and the nurse asked me if I had the time to speak. I said sure, I am driving home. She said, no sweetie, you need to pull over or call me back. My heart sank and I said well…I am sure now that I know what you will tell me. I crossed the bridge and found a spot to stop the car, she wouldn’t continue unless I did so. She told me the biopsy came back showing two forms of breast cancer and that I needed to come in to speak with a surgeon ASAP. She said a lot more but my mind kept saying…seriously, after all the shit I had been enduring, the Gods, truly must be crazy. I told her that I was four days late with my period and she told me to get a pregnancy test as they would need all of the information tomorrow at the appointment. I knew then that the Gods were indeed crazy. You see, for a year and half I said, well…let’s just leave it up to the Gods to see if we get pregnant. No watching the calendar or stressing it…let it just be. Interesting the way life works.
I called my husband to brace him for my arrival home and the news. I arrived home to him in tears, me in tears and the pregnancy test unwrapped and ready. There it was, I was to be the 1 in 3000 women to be pregnant and have breast cancer. The rest of the emotions I have been journaling about here in other posts, so I will side step those for now.
It was a swift and quick procedure, consulting with surgeons, oncologists, and a dear friend’s mom who had been a nurse for 30 years. It was her words that really set my calm and positivity in motion. She imparted to me that I had no choice but to decide things would have the best outcome possible. There is a chemical that kicks in when you get into fight mode, so fight for you and the baby, she kept saying. She also advised me to just get the mastectomy, and not bother with the lump removal. It would have been impossible to keep the baby without having the breast removed. It was a very easy decision. I accessed the few years of my kung fu and karate teachings, called the accupuncturist, and had a conversation with myself and close girlfriends to get rid of the shit, the negativity. I got into fight mode the best way that I knew from the philosophies I had learned from past experiences. This fight is to be a calm one, to protect, not to attack in anger.
The surgery occurred within a few weeks, breast removed…healing commenced with the divine help of a loving husband, beautiful friends and family, and the world cup. I spent every morning watching each match and forgot about the emotions. No wonder my little boy kicked me like Maredona for months, and one time so hard he arrived a month early!
The results were “the best possible results they (my doctor’s office) had seen in years” she said they actually had the entire office cheering as they knew my youth, my pregnancy needed this kind of result. No chemo, no drugs! My decision to have the mastectomy was my “treatment”. I still have these bouts of fear that this may change after breastfeeding. So far so good, every three months two different doctors check my booby, and nothing…
I will continue with my sweet boy’s calm, my family and friends beauty, my accupuncture, philosphies, and the love of soccer to keep me fighting for a healthy body.
Check your boobies ladies………