“tonight i can write…”


“tonight i can write…”   (title inspired by a Neruda poem title)

Absent spring, absent with this spring, I was hiding. I finally have embraced spring, the newness upon us, this new drug, feeling good, finally weather to take a sweater off to…and finally a rebirth, a change.  Yet with trepidation of moving forward to this unknown, I was holding onto the feelings of a cloudy day.  I was absent from here, from me. Quiet inside.  But then, tonight I can write.

We spent the last few days enjoying peace and sunshine at the ocean here in the Pacific Northwest. Mountains gleam with winter’s snow in spring. There is so much to love about this typically cloudy locale when we are blessed with these days. I was reluctant to let myself enjoy feeling good, looking better, and the brightness in the sky. I was being cautious of the benefits of navy bean and it’s minimal side effects, as it is still an unknown cure for me. How very Italian Martyr of me, as if I “should” be feeling worse because I was miserable for so long.  The shoulds can really kill us sometimes. My husband clarified things for me by advising that well, if navy bean isn’t working, these weeks of feeling good would be wasted with my reluctance to enjoy it, and if it is working, then I have a head start of knowing what living  with this cancer drug will feel like. It was such a simple thought.  Later, I stared at my husband carrying our sweet son to the ocean, sun shining, waves crashing and realized that I wasn’t tired, I was hungry, and had just walked a good length.  I can now be present with spring, this new phase and continue to move forward towards the mantra of decades, of prayers for remission and hopes that navy bean is the drug of choice until this beast is bested.

No longer an absent spring I see.  Reviving my spirit to delight in the days of feeling good, even if the clouds roll in, I will awaken the positivity again of which I was reluctant to enjoy.  No longer an absent spring because tonight, I can write.