Curiosity steals my breaths and my energy within the wake of your inquiries, a lot of people are not concerned with the details lain within the answers, but just that they have acquired the data. Is this judgement or survival, to demand respect of my hearts broken will and time’s elusive answers. Now go and be, sit in front of the TV and pretend life is the false betrayals you watch, with that broken clock. You use too much power, and not enough thought. Your presence has shrunk as you follow a stranger’s world.
You do not want to know how I feel, yet you ask, you ask a question, and I am too tired to pretend, have no desire to lie to you, my friends, family, child, love. I don’t feel good and I just want to be tucked into bed with some soup and be told its going to be alright baby. Instead, I have to listen to this from family, and watch the kids stare at me. They don’t know what to say, so it’s my fault for not being stable enough to take a full sip of water.
And so it goes….She asks, “how are you Jenny!?
My reply, with weathered shoulders, weary eyes, and glassy gaze: “I’m okay, I’m very tired”.
She remarks, “that’s great! I hear you are relaxing a lot.”
My brow furrows, I look up and mutter something like, Ummm. No, my days are spent at doctors offices, I’m exhausted and I barely have energy to be with my child. I wouldn’t say that was great or relaxing. She did an Elaine move and exited the conversation, I didn’t pretend to care.
Delusions. We are deferred from the aches in our loved ones lives, because it is easier to live with delusions. it is so easy to have dialogue or a base comment over Beyonce’s ass, or somebody outside of the fray’s baby (kanye west maybe, some suri poor girl). In fact, we received a baby gift today. Milo just turned two…Are you effin’ kidding me? I’m supposed to now pretend to be grateful, because, they don’t know what to do. really. Well, neither do I, As I fade and perk up, fade, and then feel strength, I wonder how people go through life so unaware, so completely unaware of the impact their personal fears or denials, have on us, the truly wounded, and how they don’t even ponder that it’s rude to saddle me with stuff, when I am limited in many areas right now. Have I mentioned that I can not lift my child? Why do I want to carry around your 2 year late gift. It’s rude, maybe, but maybe not. But apparently, I’m a judgmental snob, some chick in 2009 told me once. I rolled my eyes considering the voice it echoed from. Well, at least some of us are keeping checks and balances on how we see the world, our friends and family. I may judge, but I certainly put forth energies for healing rather than faking or taking energy. The snob part is of no matter, maybe she liked my fancy jewelry, whatever. I’m supposed to care about that. I’m almost 39, God-willing.
The moral of my vent. If you ask a question, expect an honest answer and be prepared. If I ask for questions to wait before more data comes in, than don’t tell me you will pick on me just in case earlier than expected. Who do you think you are? Why does anyone aside from my husband child have the right to know my journey?
It would be lovely for those I’m referring to who of course have no access to this blog, take a giant step back and live a full day in our life. You say you want to help? Well okay, let me stab you in the chest and spine, dope you up so you can’t eat, than make you sit in a fucking waiting room for 3 hours and try to read your kid to bed while you are physically falling asleep…wanna come? Wanna see how mother effin’ relaxing that feels. Didn’t think so, go back to twittering your false idols and just maybe leave me out of it for a bit. It was nice to see you though. BREATHE……..
Okay that rant helped. Peace out.