The answers to curiosities are not deserved.

Curiosity steals my breaths and my energy within the wake of your inquiries, a lot of people are not concerned with the details lain within the answers, but just that they have acquired the data. Is this judgement or survival, to demand respect of my hearts broken will and time’s elusive answers. Now go and be, sit in front of the TV and pretend life is the false betrayals you watch, with that broken clock. You use too much power, and not enough thought. Your presence has shrunk as you follow a stranger’s world.
You do not want to know how I feel, yet you ask, you ask a question, and I am too tired to pretend, have no desire to lie to you, my friends, family, child, love. I don’t feel good and I just want to be tucked into bed with some soup and be told its going to be alright baby. Instead, I have to listen to this from family, and watch the kids stare at me. They don’t know what to say, so it’s my fault for not being stable enough to take a full sip of water.

And so it goes….She asks, “how are you Jenny!?
My reply, with weathered shoulders, weary eyes, and glassy gaze: “I’m okay, I’m very tired”.
She remarks, “that’s great! I hear you are relaxing a lot.”
My brow furrows, I look up and mutter something like, Ummm. No, my days are spent at doctors offices, I’m exhausted and I barely have energy to be with my child. I wouldn’t say that was great or relaxing. She did an Elaine move and exited the conversation, I didn’t pretend to care.

Delusions. We are deferred from the aches in our loved ones lives, because it is easier to live with delusions. it is so easy to have dialogue or a base comment over Beyonce’s ass, or somebody outside of the fray’s baby (kanye west maybe, some suri poor girl). In fact, we received a baby gift today. Milo just turned two…Are you effin’ kidding me? I’m supposed to now pretend to be grateful, because, they don’t know what to do. really. Well, neither do I, As I fade and perk up, fade, and then feel strength, I wonder how people go through life so unaware, so completely unaware of the impact their personal fears or denials, have on us, the truly wounded, and how they don’t even ponder that it’s rude to saddle me with stuff, when I am limited in many areas right now. Have I mentioned that I can not lift my child? Why do I want to carry around your 2 year late gift. It’s rude, maybe, but maybe not. But apparently, I’m a judgmental snob, some chick in 2009 told me once. I rolled my eyes considering the voice it echoed from. Well, at least some of us are keeping checks and balances on how we see the world, our friends and family. I may judge, but I certainly put forth energies for healing rather than faking or taking energy. The snob part is of no matter, maybe she liked my fancy jewelry, whatever. I’m supposed to care about that. I’m almost 39, God-willing.

The moral of my vent. If you ask a question, expect an honest answer and be prepared. If I ask for questions to wait before more data comes in, than don’t tell me you will pick on me just in case earlier than expected. Who do you think you are? Why does anyone aside from my husband child have the right to know my journey?
It would be lovely for those I’m referring to who of course have no access to this blog, take a giant step back and live a full day in our life. You say you want to help? Well okay, let me stab you in the chest and spine, dope you up so you can’t eat, than make you sit in a fucking waiting room for 3 hours and try to read your kid to bed while you are physically falling asleep…wanna come? Wanna see how mother effin’ relaxing that feels. Didn’t think so, go back to twittering your false idols and just maybe leave me out of it for a bit. It was nice to see you though. BREATHE……..
Okay that rant helped. Peace out.

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16 comments on “The answers to curiosities are not deserved.

  1. billgncs says:

    there are so few we can trust to tell of our hurt, and fewer with the strength to take it.

  2. Well said Jen. Well said billgncs. I think many can relate on some level w/your story and the hallmark of this post! I hate that you had to deal with tah (again i’m sure). Miss emailing with you and will drop you a note soon! Been thinking of you a lot and am just catching up on the blog. Nothing but respect and love for ya.
    from one Jen to another. Peace * Love * Good Health -JLSM

  3. Jill says:

    My inner dialogue while I read your post: Yes. That’s it! That’s right. (over and over).
    By the end, my blood was boiling at the insensitivity and superficiality of the world. It’s so familiar, inane, and infuriating. Thank you for saying it so clearly: Yes, it seems easier for many to live with cowardly disillusions. Yes, curiosity is voyeuristic and intrusive! And yes, soup can help. Thank you, Jen, for speaking the truth. I have so much love and respect for you.

  4. lmw says:

    Relaxing?! Ugh…I’m so sorry. Praying for a space where you can retreat from the insensitive questions and comments. Sending my love from across the miles. xx L

  5. exiledtyke says:

    I am so glad it helped! Thoughts are with you in your battles.

  6. dear jen,

    curiosity – with nothing, nada, zilch true caring. drama, the need to feed it with information from sheer nosiness, so blatant and revealing. suffering such intrusiveness, that threatens to suck the life right out of one, feels so horrible. i am so sorry you have had to endure it. this definitely called for a smack-down rant. your eloquent and graphic account was spectacular! too bad you can’t hire a personal bouncer. i am so glad writing about such a nauseating experience helped. please know you are loved and valued and respected and deeply cared for, and do all you can to FEEL how you are being embraced, and how much i wish you comfort and good, warm soup.

    much love, XOXO,

    karen, TC

  7. I get it, girl. I really how people go through life so completely unaware, as you so eloquently put it, and I love that you put it all out there, even when it’s something those who are unaware won’t want to hear (or read). People suck. Why can’t they shut up and bring you some soup? xo

  8. Jen,
    I think it’s clear that we all got your back. You want bouncers? We’ll send a freakin’ army. No kidding. You can’t fix stupid. And if people are mean, they are gonna continue to be mean…. and if people are guilt ridden over what they didn’t do when they should have done it…. RANT ON…

    You are loved….. by many. We’re all here. Promise you that. For all of it….. And we’re here with UNCONDITIONAL love.
    xoxoxo
    AnneMarie

  9. Nat says:

    An amazing post, an amazing piece of writing, and your amazing courage on all fronts, inside and out. This is one helluva footnote for the mantra we once discussed. Courage, sister.

  10. Carol H says:

    Break the window next time šŸ™‚ Until the next time I see you, lots of love.

  11. Julie Kirkpatrick says:

    I came across this post tonight by some sort of chance. It echoes with something of a day that I had today — and I want you to know, whoever you are, wherever you are, that I am grateful for all of your words, and all of their anger and power and pain. Thank you.

    • jelebelle says:

      I am happy my words resonate with you…..though wish the anger didn’t come through as strong. Trying to find peace within the chaos, at times lets these frustrations build. I hope whomever you are, your health and life are moving towards healing. Thank you for reading and finding me when you needed it šŸ™‚ happy we found a connection. Best to you. Jen

  12. I love seeing šŸ˜€ and !! in a reply…. xoxox

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