Trust

About three years of cancer, and with that the disease is accompanied by weekly doctor visits, hospital stays, sickness and health and systems. As you have perhaps read here, there is also the many more trials and tribulations, many more pains to come before the healing. I have recently surmised and think the reason I’ve been overly plucky about things lately, is due to the time, the never ending idea of which I will have a lifetime of irritating questions such as how are you and what’s the update, when I’ve answered it here, given it to them in emails and responded to their baseless texts. As if it is not enough to deal with having the lows, the lowest lows to highs, and the management of information to the outsiders. Do you really want to know the deepness of my battle? Do you want to be laying in the trenches with me while I watch the the failures and man these hopeful successes of which I guard like a soldier at a water tower in the desert? I want my calm back as I AM positive on this newest road, extremely positive, so I am even more guarded and more irritated by the shit that people do, which create stressors within my attempts at calm and healing. I am supposed to be keeping the calm right? I am terribly sorry this blog is too fucking sad and difficult for you to read. Really? It’s sad for you? Oh, I am so sorry. Just so you know, it is the only thing that is easy for me in the way of explaining how I feel. So, when you ask the question, get ready for the real answer, and read it here before demanding more news. I’m not answering questions anymore in person or in a two line text because “you can’t handle the truth”.

So now, it seems to me the inquiries are selfish amusements of making themselves feel better about Jen’s cancer. The last few posts have tarnished my calm and reality. I have paused in writing because of behavior that I cannot control, behavior which I’m supposed to ignore. I’ve realized I have become so irritated by this because of the duration. I’ve simply had it, had it with the questions, and please make no mistake, it is not with my champions or heroes at all. I continue to be awed, inspired and loved by those who know me so well, those of you whom I have met out there in the great blogging world, who are close to my heart, and know how to behave in the face of difficulties.
I am sorry the realities are too hard for you others, though I’m not replying a general ‘okay’ to a ‘how are you’ text, and I’m not giving anymore goddamn details about UCLA because I’ve written a letter to everyone on my contact list and invited half of them to read it here. It’s not the years ahead of cancer that is frightening, it is the years ahead of managing information to friends who have made themselves outsiders because they are incapable of listening. So now, strangers who have become family, read my words with compassion and interest, wonderful women I met at the pool in Hawaii are more updated than the people in my life that claim to want to know how I am yet only use FB as a meter. I ignore their texts, because honestly I don’t want to use my limited energy spending time with friends who have no fucking clue about what’s going on because they are either too sad or too lazy to read my cherished words here or in the email update. What the fuck is wrong with you?! You don’t ‘miss’ me because if you did, you wouldn’t need to ask the question about what is going on with the LA drug trial and wonder when I am here or there. Besides, my beautiful Psychiatrist gave me the okay to say ‘shut up’, or simply not respond at all, and my close friend told me to tell them to just ‘go away’. Thank Goodness said Milo today, when my friend said that! Out of the mouths of babes…

And so to those that truly care….Since about March I have been traveling back and forth from Seattle to Los Angeles participating in this drug trial. Things are up, they are down, my heart beats louder as my skin weakens where I’ve lost to much weight. The flights are easy but the travel is, at times, difficult. I want to see friends but too exhausted to make the plans or leave the neighborhood. My newest difficulty as of late is the searing, most intense pain that just developed in my arms. It is making it more than challenging to write on the blog or text. The newest mets seem to spring issues on the playing field, solid stances are ready but throwing the ball at cancer’s newest fling is out right dangerous. No little love notes, again. The course of communication has shifted me onto a smaller field. I am trying, working hard, and asking for what I need, even amongst the chaos of this affliction. Currently, I am in Seattle, healing in hospital. The pain meds make it so that I stare at a screen for an hour before I can write anything, Dilaudid, is not the drug of choice but nothing else seems to get the job done quite right. And now we have an Au Pair arriving soon, so I am afraid the poor girl is going to think she is headed into a crazy house. The timing couldn’t be worse, I want to feel better for summer, play with Milo, enjoy time with my hubby and help make the house look beautiful for our new guest who is to arrive and to assist in raising my son. It is time to turn things around for my family and I. Make these writings meaningful in some way. I want to trust in my healing, I want to write, to look at my hand dance upon the keys of a real typewriter. I wish for my complaints to disappear and my husbands breath become clear. I want Milo to play, be okay.

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28 comments on “Trust

  1. billgncs says:

    you are right — use your focus on what is at hand, on those who are important. keep writing your truth – sad or happy – your inner circle sounds pretty cool. – it seems your smart son has a pretty smart mom too – bw

  2. Laura renegar says:

    Great blog post Jen. Sorry you are struggling still. I hate this freaking breast cancer. Hate to see you are in pain. Hate to read your frustration in not being able to just do everything yourself and leave this damn cancer in the gutter – where it belongs. Faith, prayers, strength, and healing thoughts are coming at you !

  3. Dear Lady…you are so right to let go of those who are just text-mates…save your energy for your darling boy, darling hubby and healing darling you<==There is love.

  4. My mother has lung cancer but she hasn’t been the only one affected. All of my “friends” disappeared into thin air. Occasionally, I will receive a text asking how my mom is doing and it infuriates me. Reading your post reassured me that I’m not alone in such things happening. It truly is a shame that people we consider “friends” won’t allow themselves to face reality. I understand people might not know what to say, but the lack of effort is more than disappointing.

    Thank you for openly sharing your story and I wish you all the best!

    Kristen

  5. Jodi says:

    i love what your other friends have written here and support you 100% in making shifts that bring you more peace. you are golden and beautiful.

  6. dear jen,

    do what you must do for yourself and don’t let the bastards get you down. surround yourself with your fondest desires and those who can listen and encourage you. infomaniacs simply to not count in the equation – love garners love. it is the whole purpose of life. I send you my love and the light that accompanies it to help you find your way to all you are hoping for.

    XOXOXOXO,

    Karen, TC

  7. So hard to help in a little comment box…..sending strength and calm each day building on the day before xxoo

  8. Melanie Piziali says:

    reading your post last night i wished i could have just wrapped my arms around you and hugged you. you are f**** awesome!!!!! i know we barely know each other, but i feel like we are longtime friends. focus on the positive energy, people, thoughts in your life- there are so many. think only of your goal- kick this mutha’s ass! so happy you are getting an au pair, it will be so helpful. sending love, positive energy, prayers and strength. xo your hawaii gal

  9. I hear ya–the people who claim to care the most are often those willing to only give what they want to give, not what you need them to give. I’m sorry. It sucks, just sucks. You’re in a unique position to kick to the curb anyone who doesn’t uplift you in some way. Meanwhile, your blog friends have got your back. xo

  10. exiledtyke says:

    Yet another amazing post from the heart. I wish I knew you for real !!

    The only people who matter are you and your family. If people are really your friends they will be there for you in whatever way they can without asking anything from you, if they aren’t then forget them.

    As for au pairs and crazy houses, at least she will have something interesting to talk about!

    For what it’s worth, yes, some of us do want to know the deepness of your battle, I certainly do as your posts gave me so much help when I was in those god-awful trenches last year. As someone said above, there’s not a lot of support that we can give through these reply boxes, but sometimes it is enough to know that people hear you and understand and want to give support, even if it can only be moral support between people who will never meet, but who do care.

    I look forward to you posting a photo of you playing with Milo in the summer’s sun.

  11. Sheeva says:

    You are still a New Yorker at heart- keep up the fight!

  12. Meagen Horton says:

    Hi Jen. We’re really rooting for you over here at my house! I think you would be surprised to know how often I think of you, and how frequently I say a quick prayer for you. I know we haven’t seen each other in about 20 years, but to me, it feels like just yesterday that we were sharing happy high school memories. I have that photo of us from graduation on my fridge, and my 5 year old daughter looked at it the other day and said, “Mommy – is your friend better yet?” I said, “She will be soon!” And when you’re better, lets hit the Hamptons again. xoxo

  13. Dana McAllister says:

    bravo jenny girl. you continue speaking your truth. i hate that people are frustrating you in a time when you need peace. i know i am so far but know you are in my thoughts every day. milo is beautiful and so blessed to have you as his mama. love and light- Dana

  14. Allison says:

    Bravo!! Love you Jen!!

  15. Kristie says:

    I find relief from missing you by reading your beautiful words over and over. 3000 miles away is not “around the corner” anymore. I wish I was in Seattle. I wish I could squeeze Milo. I wish I could hear your sweet voice. I love you Jenny!

  16. khp says:

    I find relief from missing you by reading your beautiful words over & over. 3000 miles away is not “around the corner.” I wish I was in Seattle. I wish I could squeeze Milo. I wish I could hear your sweet voice. I love you Jenny!

  17. Jen….
    Those who refuse to even try to understand, are not worth your energy, my friend…. not even a breath. You have so many who care deeply about what you are going through. I wish I could offer more than virtual hugs and cyber support…

    I send you love…

    AnneMarie
    xoxox

  18. You’ve been on my mind ❤

  19. I stumbled across your blog as I was researching side-effects of my own meds for breast cancer. I just have to say “thank you” for being so real and writing about what you truly feel. It’s all too easy to get caught up in sayin “I’m fine” and it does my heart good to know that there’s someone else out there who has the same thoughts as I do about this shitty disease. Best of luck to you on this journey!

  20. AnneMarie says:

    You are on my mind, Jen. I tried sending an email and sent a message to the twitter crowd hoping someone heard from you.

    Worried about you, my friend…. And sending much love….

    xoxo

    AnneMarie

    • JE says:

      I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I must tell you that Jen passed on July 18th. I had hoped that a friend or family member would add a post to relay that information. You were all such a blessing to her. Thank-you on her behalf.

    • Nat says:

      I’m so sorry, AnneMarie. She is no longer with us, and there are people all over the world who are heartbroken by her loss.

  21. I’m here praying for you and your family.

  22. Liz says:

    Jen heartbreakingly passed away in July. Wishing her family the most love, ever.

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