“I will continue to heal and move this cancer into remission, swiftly”

It is so difficult being in the hospital for ten solid days without some kind of sadness or negativity seeping into my brain and heart. It’s as if it comes with the fluids and nutrients. I am home now, thank the gods and goddesses. I’m not ready to let go and while I was there, it was if the devil was on my shoulder pushing me to get things ready. Fuck that, I say! Fuck you, you piece of shit cancer demon. (Excuse the words, but it’s like breaking plates…. Sometimes you just need to say it out loud, or complete the action.)

I’m out. I survived the complete thrashing my body took, with its sad & lonely white blood cell. Feeling better, though I need to rest because the cancer grew, spread a little too (a few blips on the lung now), and continue to regain a normal diet, and get my cancer fighting routine back. I’m angry though, that the Kool Aid kicked me while I was down and didn’t even work. I told them there was something funky with the Kool Aid!

So at this point, what do I say, think and feel? I don’t want to be so angry, I’m trying to maintain an inner peace because I truly feel the stress advances things, makes me sicker. The outlook isn’t so positive but hey, I’m gonna beat the odds, right? So, the treatments have simply just sustained me, not shrunk these buggers…okay but I’m beginning a new ‘beyond state of the art’ cancer treatment that I am so profoundly blessed to gain access. I’ll explain more when I know more. We have some badass thinkers on our side and I have confidence this will be the shift. My brain and body are tired, tired of processing and carrying the weight of this cancer on my sore shoulders. My spirit has been reinforced by the healing soup, hugs, love and support of those around me. My Champions continue to astound. The questions, at times, are unbearable but I know they come with love. I’ve decided to share this blog with more friends and family to release the pressure of updates and it is time the truth came out. I’m sick, it sucks, we will get through when time tells us so. I still meditate that we will move this cancer into a remission ‘swiftly’ and that I have decades…

I know I must have time, as before Milo was born, I had a dream of myself and my five year old son we were having the most precious lunch time together. It was so clear, I know this day will come, here on this earth. These thoughts, and moments keep me headed to the finish line that is remission.

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Cheri Pearl Photography

head, shoulders, knees, & toes….

Tingling toes, frozen fingers, blurry head and shoulder so sore. I seem to relate my ailments to the little diddy I sing to my kid everyday. He grabs my toes when I start the song which makes me smile, and has my toes trying to overcome the numbness. Neuropathy sucks. But most of these chemo, cancer side effects suck. My hands, though, are just killing me, and it really has made me mindful of those suffering with arthritis or the like.

This little diddy has me thinking about my body in general. I am 37 years old and worry that this cancer bout has/will age me by ten years at least. I was always fit, happy with my body, never really struggled with self-esteem in this department even when I have had issues fitting into my skinny jeans. The vanity of this upsets me, because as I have said, my longevity means so much more, yet I am just not quite ready to feel almost fifty at my age. I thought I had a few more bikini years in me, even post baby. Okay okay, I know what I sound like and so what. (Even after my scar post, I guess we get to have ups & downs.) I have worked hard at keeping trim, keeping my outer side pleasant to hopefully match my inner side, so I feel I get to worry a little bit about what the hell I will look like when I am done being a cancer patient. The Gods willing…

I have questions about this head, shoulders, knees, and toes:

Will my spine be okay, or will I be hunched over when I age? Can I ever get a pedicure again?! Will my liver ever stop pushing my other organs around like a bully at the playground? Will my eyelashes return to their full glory? Isn’t it enough to be lopsided, one boob and all? And the one boob, what shall I do, can I ever get reconstruction? And, I am super worried about my bones. How will they weather this storm? Will my posture be compromised, can I ever practice yoga again? Or Kung Fu, will I be able to keep kicking cancer away with Shaolin? Or will I be limited in my activities? Will my heart be weakened, can I kick a soccer ball around when my kid gets old enough? What will be my post cancer me?

Perhaps I should just focus on having a post cancer me, head, shoulder, knees, toes and all.

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