Going back to Cali., Cali., Cali….. (Part one)

Though not far, it seems forever and a day away from my son, my family. Los Angeles in February is not a bad place to be, especially coming from the Pacific Northwest…80 degree days in Lalaland. And this is where I will be in my attempt, no quest, to heal. I hit the high road, took this chemo jail on the freeway, headed south towards remission, or control of this fast moving cancer. We are looking inside the houses of another doctor and a new treatment, we have a revitalized hope.

My amazing doctor at home, amongst amazing assistance at home, found this trial. Found me a drug trial, another try. They are all trials though. Everything is a chance, really. Drugs that are supposed to work don’t, and may the chances be the cure to an easier life, physically. I have a great doctor here at UCLA. The drug trial world is a bit different than ‘normal’ chemo jail. Though the house has less comforts, more chaos, more advanced patients in my age group. We are all underfoot, and everyone seems to be on a different path with their treatment. It is rigid and there are less comforts, such as a blanket warmer and HIPA laws seem to be thrown out of the window. My hope is that they are just spending more money on the drug and trial than the little comforts. My hope is that I win this leg of the race and can donate into trials to help those of us in pain have an easier time, and experience being here.

I had my first dose yesterday of this bright blue pill titled, LY2835219. Hmm what should we call it…I wonder, so I ring my partner crime in this sarcastic naming process… Some phone # songs from the late 80s came up, but I settled upon Lenny’s Little Blue Pill (Lenny being one of my million nicknames). It has taken a solid five weeks without any form of treatment to get me here, so I’ve risked some serious tumor growth which occurred, yet finally we began full schedule on the drug protocol and now I’m in such pain, I can’t even think about what city I am living, the pain is so strong. I am displaced yet feel comfortable where I am, steeped in the hopes of a brand new little blue pill. Though I ask the question, how can a mother live so far from her child, especially with my fears of longevity taking hold. Life is a series of decisions that challenge one’s soul. The choices we make can inflict either chaos and sorrow or hope and healing. I’m figuring ‘Going back to Cali.’ and LL Cool J has been part of my world since high school, I’m not giving up on taking life’s chances now. Never look over your shoulder as your path takes you forward, for it will never continue to move if you hold your neck sideways for the ride. Be confident in your choices. This is what I was told by an old sage of New York city’s east village. I still believe him, I just didn’t know the wisdom would take so long to hatch.



15 comments on “Going back to Cali., Cali., Cali….. (Part one)

  1. bornbyariver says:

    Good luck. You are clear headed and wise as always. May your new little blue pill knock ’em down, kill ’em off.

  2. Soak up the sun and let the little blue pill work its magic. Lots of good thoughts coming to you from Texas.

  3. I pray for you. For healing , a miracle, a perfect response to your little blue pill. I cannot imagine the difficulty in the decisions you are making since the risks are high. Time is precious now. Every second. And with that little one in your life – you must try every avenue to gain more time. I hope your pain subsides. And in the reduction of pain, more room is made for healing, strength, a trip home, and more memories ! Keep up the good fight and keep looking forward. Please rest and heal. Love comes your way from many blogger friends. Including me.

  4. Jill says:

    I continue to light candles and I think of you every day. Thank you so much for the picture in this post. It’s so good to see you. You are a beautiful warrior.

  5. billgncs says:

    I agree with Jill, you have the heart of a warrior! Plus I like those glasses!

  6. exiledtyke says:

    Blue, a good, healthy colour! I hope it brings health to you.

  7. dear jen,

    so glad you are in a place of hope and renewal. i just hope the pain eases up soon. so great to see your sweet face. i send you and your little blue pills powerful vibes for comfort, healing and a killer instinct to knock the hell out of the beast.

    much love, XOXO,

    karen, TC

  8. YAPCaB says:

    Hang in there. I hope they can get you on some pain killers.

  9. jbaird says:

    May the little blue pill be just the trick for you. I am in a clinical trial to battle my Stage IV cancer. It is certainly a trial, but one worth doing. Keep on keeping on. And keep writing! xox

    • jelebelle says:

      I hope your trial is going well, Jan. thank you for reading. May we best this soon and be the successes of the stories that are told by these researchers! I’ve been reading but slow to comment, this time here has me catching up with all of the great support here. Thank you. xo

  10. Jodi says:

    you are beautiful, jenny.

  11. Wendydo says:

    Jenny I love you my oldest friend. You are amazing!

  12. Sheeva says:

    You are inspiring and beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us. xoxo

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