(this was written back in October, 2010)
….some are better days than others. I am fine, truly. I really, compared to rest of the young women with breast cancer, have nothing to worry about. I am cancer free, and had been spared the horrors of chemo and radiation and the like, because of due diligence, or plain luck. and yet, some days are simply difficult.I try to get dressed, and though feel so blessed to have a growing baby inside, I have double the wardrobe complications. Vain, okay, fine it is, but I am tired of wearing baggy shirts and baggy jeans looking like a lazy sorority girl at finals week. And well, not a lot of compassion around me, I just get the “it’s okay” or “just get a chicken cutlet!”
Seriously. A chicken cutlet? Who came up with that term anyhow? Firstly, the missing boob area still feels like shit most days, though I pretend it doesn’t, it does. Secondly, I am not putting anything next to my body that is called a chicken cutlet. This is a sacred area. The least they could do is name the prosthetics something a little less…well… raw. The area is raw, the sensitivities areraw and some days I just want to wear a fitted shirt and skinny jeans. I used to look and feel pretty for myself, my husband. Now, well this is all together different today.So it goes…I have my health, I have a child growing within, and most importantly I am surrounded by love. Back in my body, after months of stepping outside of myself in order to deal with the mountains of emotions, I have returned to discover I am restless within my own skin. Showering is harder, love is at an arm’s length and life is pushing me forward when I am unready, unsteady and hadn’t had the chance to grieve the losses that have befallen on me with the diagnosis’ of the past year. The world wants me happy, they want to talk about the pregnancy all of the time, as I do on many an occasion, yet, it is the other occasions that seem to say tough shit, it is over and you are healthy let’s move forward…those are difficult. I am there, moving forward, but at times, there are steps backwards. Today is one of those backwards days.