An update is due as I am home, and the words have wanted to flow, I simply haven’t wanted to stop for a minute though to write. Too much needed my attention. My son, my love, my life, my home, me. I am home. Though, Los Angeles treats me well, and I truly, truly enjoyed my time there, but now, I am home. Home to the house on the lake where I can cuddle up with my boys and not mind the rainy days. Hobble down 42 steps to our sanctuary and be okay with not wanting to leave. The hardest part of being home, and please don’t take this the wrong way, are the questions and calls from people checking in and wanting this information. My first week home, I just wanted to see my son and husband. I’m not sure why that was difficult for some to grasp, in all honesty, the contact from those who aren’t apart of my everyday life, seemed a trespass. Something I am working on….letting people care and it be okay. It is odd and difficult having people around always. Always! So, there are those of you who are incredibly thoughtful of my process, who connect remotely, with a simple text and let me be if I don’t answer, and I thank you. Now that I am settled in with a bit of space between LA and home, I can come up for air, enjoy my visitors, friends and family who rally around to help and offer some sort of update, though I don’t have much to tell. In all honesty, it is a challenge being home. Life in LA was easy, restful, and healing. Having the time to myself was needed. Being home, it is apparent how hard things can be; I am immobile and I am responsible for a little one. My pain in the right hip has gotten worse and my walk has altered. I am unable to drive myself around, so now we need two sets of hands, help with Milo and help with carting me to the numerous appointments that maintain and shape my life. This means that there are always people around, and this has been the most difficult part of the cancer process: navigating the waters of schedule, people and their needs, and keeping Milo tuned into his parents, rather than his caregivers.
The request, Stop Asking Questions, please.
I love everyone, and wouldn’t want to go this alone, couldn’t, I am so blessed with my champions who assist me. This is not what is difficult about home. It is the questions. I’m not sure why the answers are needed while I have none, or when I have this blog….can you not read what it is I want to tell? Here you go… This is all I have. This is the update. I have cancer, I don’t know when it’s going away. I have a lot of pain right now. The new routine is that I go to LA to get help with a new set of drugs, a new set of eyes and ears and I feel like things are working. I feel great about this new treatment, but that’s all I know, it will have to be enough because right now, I want to spend time with my son, and help him understand why my boo-boo has not gone bye-bye though I am home from said healing. My energy is taxed, I can barely walk, let alone explain away the intricacies of metastasized rare cancers and study drugs. I truly appreciate the love and the want to ensure I am on the road to recovery, but again I only know what I share, the daily ‘how are you’s?’ seem to serve as a reminder that I am in pain. I know you don’t know this, so I am sharing this now. While I am on the subject and using this as informative posting, the hours between 5pm and 7pm are for Milo’s dinner, play and bedtime, time as a family. It seems everyone wants to catch up then. It must be on one’s way home from work time or something, but you all call and text at the exact same time. (Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother expressing, but the phone goes crazy with the beeping, and I keep it on for doctors and such). I am occupied and move at a snails pace as written, as earlier posts state, so I am off line and off of the phone. I love you all and will be truly updating soon. Scans are Monday (Wish us luck this drug is working!). Update at the end of the week. I will be in LA for appointments and the drug pick up, I will be home in a few days, so there isn’t a need for checking in before I leave or return. Many thanks…
Cheri Pearl Photography http://www.cheripearl.com/blog/