Checked in…

In the days past, I have feared the days to come of having to really live a cancer lifestyle. I did not want to bring the outside of cancer into my home. I liked keeping it neatly tucked away at my Monday chemo jail sessions for only me and my visitors to observe. I actually see chemo jail as my safe place, a route to healing, time to rest alone, time to be ill without tears of those around me watching. I need it to stay there, so my weakness this past Monday had me denied chemo jail, but checked into hospital.

The mouth sores are so unbearable that it is difficult to even drink water or to talk as my teeth hit the sides of my tongue where the sores lay tortuous, where side effects of drugs can lay down the ground work for defeat. My cure cannot be my defeat, no, yet it is, it is an ironic plot twist. Really, mouth sores? This is what will create doubt in a mind willing to forgive this painful life I must continue to lead, in a mind that can withstand the great depths of misery in hopes that longevity will lead the way. Doubt and fear are ugly demons to carry on such a battlefield. I am supposed to walk through the fight with peace, my healer stresses this but at these times it is difficult to hold back. I want to take an ice pick to my cancer, not meditate on gratitude today, because now my cancer has to enter the home. My protected sanctuary will be violated by ‘in home infusions’. I need nutrients to fight and have none. Nothing can pass through the mouth, nothing. I am silenced.

So, here I write and here I sit, sequestered with one white cell holding onto me as if we are alone caught in a storm, blown by the waves of this toxic disease. I shall build back my blood and bones, claw through the terrain and find my body again. I have so much to look forward to, so many new adventures on the horizon with a little boy and a beautiful family, all extending their reach to pull me up from the waves. Phew. Another pep talk. Another fight song of future plans and promises. I can’t wait to meet our friends baby, see an old childhood friend again, go to Italy, back to NY, decorate for Christmas with ease, revel in a beautiful Thanksgiving tradition….to name but a few desires. A new mantra must be made as clearly I can’t handle the Kool Aid. We WILL find a drug to fight this and fast, we will….my glorious doc must have more up his sleeve than old school Kool Aid. Right?

Today, low white counts, hellfire mouth sores and going on one week in this hospital jail. By Monday, I am Kung Fu-ing my way out of this prison…and hopefully I won’t have to take this show on the road into the homestead. I am certainly not ready for that kind of cancer invasion.

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Photo by Cheri Pearl Photography. Cheri’s Blog

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17 comments on “Checked in…

  1. YAPCaB says:

    Your writing is so evocative. I hope you feel better soon.

  2. You continue to amaze. Praying you get some much needed respite from all the bullshit soon and start rebuilding your strength for the fight.

  3. Thank you for writing so beautifully and sharing it with us. I shall imagine you in Italy and send positive energy your way. Prayerfully.

  4. Barb says:

    I hate cancer. Hate it. Hate what it’s done to you and others I love.
    Do popsicles help alleviate any of the pain for you?
    I am beaming you positive rays, as always.

  5. billgncs says:

    as always I send my good thoughts and prayers your way. may your flying crescent kick send the foe running! — bw

  6. Mouth sores are no fun. I hope they clear up soon and you can enjoy food again. May your white blood cells rebuild and your body recover so that you can go home and not take this hardship along. Kung-fu the heck outta those side effects, and feel better soon.

    Catherine
    http://www.facingcancer.ca

  7. Jen, your blog is soulful, powerful and beautiful…You inspire me to be a stronger woman.
    You are in my daily thoughts and prayers.
    Love and Light,
    M.J.

  8. Jodi says:

    Just saying hi and sending love.

  9. No words. Just love. Tons of love. Tons and TONS….
    xoxox
    AnneMarie

  10. It is really hard to find words to comment on this blog post. You are a fabulous writer and a fierce fighter and I hate that this cancer is invading your body – your home – your life – and your spirit. I got this blog post at work the other day and was at a loss for words. The only thing I could do was bow my head in prayer for you. Prayer for healing, prayer for strength, prayer for peace, prayer for time, prayer for your doctors to find something to stop this cancer from creeping any further.

    Please keep us all updated.
    Laura

    • jelebelle says:

      Thank you thank you laura. I graciously accept all of your prayers and luv. I will try and write a new post soon, but for now the update is that I am still in the hospital awaiting those white blood cells to find the energy to get some friends.

      • Let’s all just pray for the best invite your wb cells can get…a party invite that they cannot – and will not refuse – they will show up…they have to. Try and rest, I know how hard that is in the dreaded hospital. I wish there was some tip or helpful hint I could help with – but I have nothing but the ability to pray and beg for higher wb counts and a way that you can go home to your house…and be comfortable. I hate cancer.

  11. Julie says:

    In my thoughts and prayers.

  12. erinnjhale says:

    even in your moments of frustration, self-doubt, and sadness, you are a courageous badass. i hope to become even a fraction of the woman you are. i am in awe of the power of your community and the power being destined to see this motherhood thing out has given you. fight on my beautiful forest nymph, you have a shit ton of folks carrying you in their hearts and minds wanting to see you charge into the end zone to spike that bitch of a disease clear from your body. one day we’ll look back and think of this merely as a character builder. (start working on your touchdown dance).

    love love love.

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