Shielding realities

There are so many pains to be had with cancer, whether you have it, or feel it within loved ones around you. We wear the illness with either grace or heartache or both and it may be obvious to some how we feel. Though, I wonder as a I carry this cancer, how much do I really share, especially on days like today. Also, why do we feel we must mask our sorrow and doubts, pains and suffering? Should we spare the ones we love or prepare them?

It takes me time to post because I am tired, and I usually do not like to hold back, maybe with the intimacy of my family I maintain a somewhat private front, but I try to be real, and funny, and brazen, and sad and frustrated when it hits me. I am fading in the wings right now and frightened to let everyone know. If I write it or say it out loud, will my courageous roar fade to a whisper?

At some point our reality becomes shielded and those around me hardly see the fear. Tonight, an 8:30 pm unexpected doctors call brings concern. A foreboding tone in his sweet voice, I breathed to the pain and told him that I will do my duty and be at chemo jail tomorrow. I shadowed my tears in the fatigue and sadness for having to miss yet another acupuncture appointment but really my insides were shaking at the idea that I must go to chemo tomorrow for emergency fluids and Zometa because my calcium numbers rose to a new high and my body aches all over. After a year of fighting, why now, does my young skeleton want to break apart from me. We are whole and meant to be together….I don’t feel if I should be breaking down just yet. Miles to go, miles to go before I sleep.

So, why must I cry alone and lie to my mother about my appointments. She doesn’t read this at my request. I still ponder, why the masks, when we wear our cancer upon our head wrapped in turbans, scarves, henna, wigs, and anything that will help make them forget. Perhaps it is my continued request for positivity to surround my world. I can have tears but it is beyond difficult for me to shoulder theirs. I must remind myself the choices I make are focused on healing…hopefully it is the correct decision. I hurt, I’m tired, and scared but I am not letting this define me right now, pushing past miles, praying for decades as always.

Thank you again for the continued luv and support……
This post was inspired by not only my experience, but the thoughts of a fellow cancer mate as well.

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16 comments on “Shielding realities

  1. Let your family shoulder some of the fear for a while so you can concentrate on healing. My mother was a rock for me and I would be the same for my daughters. You got your strength from somewhere you know!

  2. billgncs says:

    I think your words are always a courageous roar, and that you trust your heart.

  3. What an achingly beautiful post. I know all about the masks we feel we have to wear – the different faces we feel we must put on in public – ah but I hope you know dear one that in the BC blogosphere, you can take off those masks. Thinking of you xxx

    • jelebelle says:

      Thank you Marie. The BC blog world has helped tremendously. I wish that I could meet you all in person one day. I feel the energy though.
      Thinking of you as well, sorry I missed your challenge!

  4. I am honored to read your posts…you are a beautiful soul…
    in my thoughts and prayers

  5. Thank you for putting all this ‘out there’ and being so very vulnerable in your writing. I hope for you the days become easier. One step at a time, and hopefully you’ll find some relief through blogging – even if you cannot always manage with everything going on.

    Catherine

  6. lmw says:

    Sending you gentle hugs from across the pond. My heart aches for you, but thank you for sharing your soul. xx L

  7. Barb Snow says:

    Sending you a big dose of positivity, (not sure if that’s a word, but it should be, don’t you think). I understand what you mean about being strong around family, but sometimes their strength might just surprise you. Take care, my friend. You are in my thoughts.

  8. exiledtyke says:

    Maybe you put on the mask around your family because you have enough to handle without also having to deal with their reaction? I know I behaved that way at times. Your courage and determination in the angry face of cancer have got you this far but maybe, just maybe, this is the time to let in your family to give you that extra helping hand. Thoughts are with you.

  9. Susan says:

    i am sure there is so much going on with your mind and body at this time. Maybe you just want to shield your family as you are so busy taking care of yourself that you might feel if they knew more you would have to take care of them. i am sending you positive thoughts and thank you for sharing yourself with us.

  10. Cancerpurse says:

    So honestly written.

    I mentioned you in my recent blog post–you are the recipient of the One Lovely Blog Award. https://cancerpurse.wordpress.com/2012/09/09/keep-the-calm-with-the-one-lovely-blog-award/#more-400

  11. So glad Cancerpurse posted about you so I could read your honest and beautiful words. Your remarkable courage and strength is a beacon to others. Sending good energy your way.

  12. […] Shielding Realities, Keep The Calm is asking the question “I wonder as I carry this cancer, how much do I really share, […]

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