There are so many pains to be had with cancer, whether you have it, or feel it within loved ones around you. We wear the illness with either grace or heartache or both and it may be obvious to some how we feel. Though, I wonder as a I carry this cancer, how much do I really share, especially on days like today. Also, why do we feel we must mask our sorrow and doubts, pains and suffering? Should we spare the ones we love or prepare them?
It takes me time to post because I am tired, and I usually do not like to hold back, maybe with the intimacy of my family I maintain a somewhat private front, but I try to be real, and funny, and brazen, and sad and frustrated when it hits me. I am fading in the wings right now and frightened to let everyone know. If I write it or say it out loud, will my courageous roar fade to a whisper?
At some point our reality becomes shielded and those around me hardly see the fear. Tonight, an 8:30 pm unexpected doctors call brings concern. A foreboding tone in his sweet voice, I breathed to the pain and told him that I will do my duty and be at chemo jail tomorrow. I shadowed my tears in the fatigue and sadness for having to miss yet another acupuncture appointment but really my insides were shaking at the idea that I must go to chemo tomorrow for emergency fluids and Zometa because my calcium numbers rose to a new high and my body aches all over. After a year of fighting, why now, does my young skeleton want to break apart from me. We are whole and meant to be together….I don’t feel if I should be breaking down just yet. Miles to go, miles to go before I sleep.
So, why must I cry alone and lie to my mother about my appointments. She doesn’t read this at my request. I still ponder, why the masks, when we wear our cancer upon our head wrapped in turbans, scarves, henna, wigs, and anything that will help make them forget. Perhaps it is my continued request for positivity to surround my world. I can have tears but it is beyond difficult for me to shoulder theirs. I must remind myself the choices I make are focused on healing…hopefully it is the correct decision. I hurt, I’m tired, and scared but I am not letting this define me right now, pushing past miles, praying for decades as always.
Thank you again for the continued luv and support……
This post was inspired by not only my experience, but the thoughts of a fellow cancer mate as well.