My Electric Kool Aid….

Well….with all of my breast cancer blog reading I definitely thought that I would have picked up the knowledge that AC looks like Kool Aid. Craziness! It makes me laugh at least, which is nice because I can’t seem to muster the energy for anything else. The Kool Aid & Cy-youngin’ are ass kickers! Which I am hoping means that they are cancer kickers too.

It has been a rough week. I began this new treatment Monday and had the post chemo steroid high through Tuesday but after that every day has been a gigantic chore. Little things, like um ya know, brushing my teeth….too tired. It’s impossible to be this tired and attend to my little one. We have had lots of help and thankfully my hubby has had a light work week but I want to attend to Milo, want to play and have fun with him. How does this work?!

It works with hope, desire, and perseverance. I think after this cancer crap I will be able to be a spy in Beirut or some place with intense need to withstand anything. Or be on the amazing race or some silly show like that. Yes, I have cried every night as I fall asleep wondering how I will power through to see Milo at all of the stages I wish for, and cry for the idea that he might not have his mamma around him always, but then it subsides and I awake to him and my hubby’s giggles and their tiptoeing into the bedroom to wake me up with hugs and love. Life is hard at times, beyond difficult, beyond torturous, yet life is so full of happiness and moments of love so deep that a stranger approached me yesterday to tell me how beautiful and happy I looked. He told me to keep smiling because it looked as if I was doing something right. He had no idea that I had cancer, that I was in pain and exhausted…..he apparently, saw something beyond cancer. He saw me and that is what I had been worried was missing from life. I had and have been worried that my little one would just see a sick mamma, and that our life was defined by cancer, as with each turn it feels as if it’s ruling the roost, but it is not. I am not letting it, damn it! No matter how exhausted this and these treatments make me, I am ME, so much so, strangers can see. So, yes, it is something painful to deal with…but right now, amidst the cries, I am moving through and smiling at the giggles and this glorious northwest sunshine. It is a challenge to spend too much time outside right now, it’s okay….I watch from our big windows and enjoy the soaring eagles fly above us.

Off to another Kool Aid Monday tomorrow, I promise not to drink it in though.