My Electric Kool Aid….


Well….with all of my breast cancer blog reading I definitely thought that I would have picked up the knowledge that AC looks like Kool Aid. Craziness! It makes me laugh at least, which is nice because I can’t seem to muster the energy for anything else. The Kool Aid & Cy-youngin’ are ass kickers! Which I am hoping means that they are cancer kickers too.

It has been a rough week. I began this new treatment Monday and had the post chemo steroid high through Tuesday but after that every day has been a gigantic chore. Little things, like um ya know, brushing my teeth….too tired. It’s impossible to be this tired and attend to my little one. We have had lots of help and thankfully my hubby has had a light work week but I want to attend to Milo, want to play and have fun with him. How does this work?!

It works with hope, desire, and perseverance. I think after this cancer crap I will be able to be a spy in Beirut or some place with intense need to withstand anything. Or be on the amazing race or some silly show like that. Yes, I have cried every night as I fall asleep wondering how I will power through to see Milo at all of the stages I wish for, and cry for the idea that he might not have his mamma around him always, but then it subsides and I awake to him and my hubby’s giggles and their tiptoeing into the bedroom to wake me up with hugs and love. Life is hard at times, beyond difficult, beyond torturous, yet life is so full of happiness and moments of love so deep that a stranger approached me yesterday to tell me how beautiful and happy I looked. He told me to keep smiling because it looked as if I was doing something right. He had no idea that I had cancer, that I was in pain and exhausted…..he apparently, saw something beyond cancer. He saw me and that is what I had been worried was missing from life. I had and have been worried that my little one would just see a sick mamma, and that our life was defined by cancer, as with each turn it feels as if it’s ruling the roost, but it is not. I am not letting it, damn it! No matter how exhausted this and these treatments make me, I am ME, so much so, strangers can see. So, yes, it is something painful to deal with…but right now, amidst the cries, I am moving through and smiling at the giggles and this glorious northwest sunshine. It is a challenge to spend too much time outside right now, it’s okay….I watch from our big windows and enjoy the soaring eagles fly above us.

Off to another Kool Aid Monday tomorrow, I promise not to drink it in though.


23 comments on “My Electric Kool Aid….

  1. Sounds like an angel, that stranger who reminded you of who you really are.

  2. Love this! Despite the exhaustion, you see what’s most important. I’m in awe of you.

  3. billgncs says:

    I see “it” in your words too

  4. Big Hugs…. Only big giant hugs…… and ton of love….


  5. Audra says:

    I’m glad you are feeling “better” since your last post, today is Monday and I’m here at the cancer center to get my bone shots. Thought I might get lucky and see you in the waiting area. Just want you to know that I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you ever since we met. πŸ™‚

    • jelebelle says:

      Oh so sorry to miss you Audra! And I seemed to be in the waiting room forever! Message me next before your visit next time and I will look for you. Hope your days have been easier, been thinking of you as well. Many thanks for the prayers. xoxo

  6. How nice about the stranger! Angels can appear from everywhere, even–no especially–during our darkest moments. You are in my prayers as you go through this new round. xxx

  7. user1deasy says:

    Jen. Your writing leaves me speachless and weak in the knees. It is so beautiful and inspiring and profound. Thank you.

    • jelebelle says:

      Ooo thank you Jill, too too kind.
      I am so excited to dive into reading about your Italian adventures and see the wonderful photos you take.
      Thank you for taking the time to read, and being a lovely inspiration to us all. xoxoxo

  8. exiledtyke says:

    Sounds like you show in the flesh what we see in you here. Your little one will see his mamma as someone who loves him and gives him everything she can – no kid can ask for more. Hang on in there and keep fighting the fight.

  9. bornbyariver says:

    so happy you can find some freedom in transcendence. enjoy the summer days with your little one.

  10. A says:

    the fight continues and we are – from all corners of the world – in your corner. your little one sees only his gorgeous mama, don’t doubt that for a second… with love from gva

  11. Jodi says:

    J, glad you found your way through last week.

  12. Barb Snow says:

    Best wishes and powerful, positive vibes coming at you from Minnesota.

  13. Jen…
    Just a note to say I’m thinking about you…… Sending you my angels and butterflies.
    Hugs and Lots of love,

  14. jlpaddock says:

    Jen, I don’t know how I missed this post. But spirit behind these words are why you remind me of the tree in the desert. A beautiful, strong, thriving tree even though the hot sun and lack of water make survival difficult. I admire your ability to dig deep in your heart to a source of positive life giving energy in the midst of all the hardships. I am also glad there was a physical person who can tell you that your spirit shines bright. πŸ™‚ xoxo Lynnea

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