Another day in the life of the moving cancer cell

Oh for the love of God and Goddesses everywhere….

I really don’t want this post to be snarky, why me or deeply sorrowful but I’m feeling a bit of all three among a thousand other emotions. The shit has hit the cancer fan. I’m just going to lay out the update in a list form and then move on to my real writing. I want to take a moment to acknowledge with great gratitude all of you who read and support and have showered me with love…..

Here goes:
Cancer has spread in the bones, and the existing tumors in bones have grown (sucky and painful).
It shrunk in the liver (okay, that is good).
My long term prognosis of shooting for “decades” is no longer realistic (I call bullshit).
Worst case scenario is really bad (not telling, as it’s not gonna happen).
I begin my new treatment of AC (my Adriatic C) on Monday.
I started Cytoxin (cy-youngin’) on Tuesday.
Sent all of my info to Dr. Larry Norton at Sloan-Kettering.
Sending my info off to some other great contacts, soon I hope.
I’m really pissed off that I probably won’t be able to go to New Mexico in September for a getaway with the hubby as planned.

Okay, now that we have that off of my chest….

Nestled here in the trees of the great northwest with family and friends is not a bad place to be in summer. When mortality is questioned, I think we have these expectations of frantic thoughts about how much we need to see and do in life before the end. Not so for me, maybe because I refuse to accept the end is a close foe. Yes, I want to make it to Italy and write a book but I’m content laughing at Milo and having dear friends visit. I also seem to be thinking about all of the piles of shit in my house. I really want the clutter gone, it is too much and as I rest and stare out at the view, I don’t want to think about piles. I’m a silly woman at times. I’ve never seen London or the Grand Canyon and what I’m thinking about at the edge of a great mortal moment is my unorganized life because it usually is so tight. Lessons. Release expectations and thoughts of ridiculousness and continue to look upon the beauty of this green earth and the faces that make existing… all of our “Grand Canyon” moments.

I shall land in Italy the summer of 2014. I will get to New Mexico. I will see Milo turn 5 and then 10. I will continue to heal and move this cancer into remission.

Advertisements

27 comments on “Another day in the life of the moving cancer cell

  1. billgncs says:

    I shall very much enjoy your post from Italy, I hope you will be enjoying a big Barolo — looking forward to reading it!

  2. exiledtyke says:

    Really, really sorry about the spread, but you’ve got it on the retreat in your liver so it shows you can achieve great things and I see from your response to the worst case scenario that you plan on doing so.
    I look forward to reading the book you write in Italy.

    • jelebelle says:

      Yes! We are striving for greatness in the battle of the cancer cell. You are right to see the positive in the liver. Thank you as always for the light.

  3. Please know you are being supported through this…I look forward to reading the book you write and seeing photos of you and your son in years to come.

  4. Oh, God! I’m devastated for you, but know you’ll be moving forward, attacking this thing with all your might. Do you read Kris Carr’s blog/newsletter? She’s kept Stage IV at bay for something like 14 years with green drinks and alkaline diets. Like you, she’s amazing.

    • fitavocado says:

      I second that! Kris Carr and you, jelebelle, are amazing women.

    • jelebelle says:

      I have read Kris Carr’s story and have been doing the green drink thing. My doc debunked the ph/alkaline theory with cold hard science facts although I tend to not like acidic foods right now anyway so I feel I am on the right track there. Thank you for the words of love and encouragement. xo

  5. AnneMarie says:

    What can I possibly say except I am holding you close to my heart. Some of your words have cut me to the core. This can’t be easy so I’m calling bullshit with you. Hell…. when you head for a Tuscan villa, I’ll head to Italy and stop by for a glass of wine……

    If you head to MSK please let me know. I’d love to come give you a gentle hug.

    Meantime… know I am here. We are all here….

    Much love,

    AnneMarie
    xoxox

    • jelebelle says:

      Thank you AnneMarie. All are welcome in Italy! Starting the villa search now 😉
      I will definitely let you know about a NY visit. I am blessed with lots of great thinkers on my side right now so we shall see what they say.
      Luv back at you xo

  6. Barb Snow says:

    Still sending you positive and loving thoughts as you go through this most ugly of experiences. When you get to Italy I encourage you to pop for a nice bottle of Brunello – it is otherworldly and you absolutely deserve it.
    All the best,
    Barb in Minnesota

  7. jelebelle says:

    Thank you Barb! I feel all of the positive energy glowing around me. A glass of brunello sounds great right now, though maybe the weather speaks of rose this evening in the northwest.

  8. I just can not tell you enough how much I relate. I have not brought myself to finish a post I was working on recently because although there’s good news in there (woo hoo only more breast ca not ovarian cancer) it’s still not good news to me and i’m unsure what emotions I want to write about because to let them all out is not working. But this is not about me. You; I hope you have found some relief w/pain management and I continue to hope that those positive, “fighter” attitudes and emotions keep coming out on top (over the pissed-off, mortality pensive, sad, helpless “i wonder if I will get to see my son turn 5” thoughts). They can all be hard to turn the volume down on sometimes. But the fact that they exist in parallel w/the hopeful, persevering, lead by example you is what allows that noise to eventually quiet some. In the meantime it all just feels sucky. So keep on keepin on w/goals toward travel and even tackling those piles of shit every now and then (I have developed those piles too). You know what you are capable of and even w/cancer you will find a way to kick it or adjust. Try to never accept that it’s taking what is precious from you (you can do this!). As I ralley for you, I ralley for me. Your post and your experience are yours but our continued ride on the MBC rollercoaster is too similar to acknowledge that we must be sitting near one another. Thanks for writing. Best wishes for your health and happiness and calm sanity. Prayer & meditation. JLSM

    • jelebelle says:

      At least we have each other to relate too. Thank you for your honesty and heartfelt emotions. It’s a tough road but pushing forward is our only option. I can wince through some pain with the idea of better days ahead, so yes together we rally! Best of health to you sweet girl.

  9. jlpaddock says:

    My heart breaks for you and your family…but I will resolutely stand with you as you call bullshit and like others have said join you in Italy for a toast. I have been so inspired by your energy through this and know that it will carry you. I hope you are able to soak up warmth and light in the PNW (I know it can be a bit spotty 🙂 ) this summer…it truly is glorious as are you.

    I would love to send you a physical something, but not sure how that works in this little cyber community. If you would like please send me an e-mail at lynneawatts@yahoo.com. xx L

  10. Keep calling bullshit and keep planning that trip to Italy. Sending all the love, strength and support I can muster.

  11. nat says:

    You will be there in Italy in 2014. And your writing partner beside you. Sure as day.

  12. Cancerpurse says:

    Beautiful, heart-wrenching post. Your honesty is inspiring. Wishing you health and looking forward to seeing pictures of all of your accomplishments!

  13. Oh, Jen, I am so sorry about your news. You write so eloquently, we feel as if we are right there with you. But I will say this: you will get to Italy when you plan. Your words prompt me to get my bucket list together with actual years, not just places to go. That way my goals will be more concrete and will seem more doable. Praying for you, dear one. xox

  14. Wow, what news to get. But at least now you know where to focus your energy. The liver spots are retreating so now let’s get those bones cleared up. Italy is on my bucket list too – possibly for 2014 ! I can see you there !!! Wouldn’t that be awesome to gather a bunch of b/c bloggers in a really cool place for a toast, a great dinner, and some fabulous wine. It’s so funny because we do know each other – but not really…would be a blast I think. You are going to get this dern cancer to retreat again. You will, you will, you will. Lots of things to do and none of us can let this crap beat us. I just wrote a blog tonight about surrendering – and I don’t mean surrendering to THIS ! 🙂 Please stay strong and know that we are all pulling for your health and strength ! xoxo

  15. jelebelle says:

    Thank you thank you laura! And yes, I luv the idea of gathering the BC bloggers in Italy. My hubby’s a chef so he will cook us all a feast! Maybe we can get a villa to donate space for a needed health retreat! Thank you for the encouragement. Looking forward to reading your post. Be well and and start planning for Italy 🙂

  16. Oh, I can hardly put into words what I am thinking right now. I am angry for you, and I am sad for you…I can only imagine what you must be feeling. I’m a newbie on the cancer front, and I’m only just beginning to understand all of the emotional feelings that come with all of it. I’m soooo sorry for you. I wish I could take it all away.

    But on that same note….I see greatness in you…I see the kind of greatness needed to win this battle, to kick Cancer’s ass from here to the moon. You’ve shown that already, and I don’t believe for one second that you are done. Please keep that fight in you….and keep pushing forward. You have such a great spirit in you and are so full of life, I know you can beat this.

    I know the draw to travel to a dream destination…my story is tiny compared to yours, and even I feel it….I’m planning in my head already a trip to Scotland…and I can’t wait to hear about yours to Italy.

    Hang in there….we are all by your side.

  17. I am thinking of you and sending you warrior powers to endure & to triumph! xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s