Oh the irony….

I’ve written that this is the year mark of the return of the dreaded “c” yet boasted about how I was feeling better, filled with hope, keeping things moving towards goals. Yet, from one week to the next, I went from going to soccer matches and watching fireworks to feeling gutted. 103.2 fevers, pains so unbearable, and sorrow, just sorrow tearing down my face. I feel as I did one year ago when I was admitted to the hospital. What the heck fire happened from one week to the next?! Scans showed no signs of infections, allergies, virus’ and showed the liver tumors had shrunk a bit on Navy Beans. And then more tests….the next day, the bone scans showed growth in the tumors in the spine and the ribs. I do not understand cancer at all. I’m positive, feel boosted by the smiles of my little one, prayerful, meditate, sort of eat better, etc etc., I’m fighting a good fight and was supposed to be on the right track. I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I am in so much pain I can’t even carry a purse or put a cute outfit on. I need to send friends on the hunt for decent maxi dresses that don’t irritate the pain ridden areas. You know its bad when wearing clothing hurts. How did the change of week do this?

My energy is fading so I will keep this update short. I have a Monday doc appointment in which I assume we begin a new treatment. If Navy Beans is helping the liver….should we stick with it and add on a better bone drug? Is it time to go back to NY and see the MSK doctor again?

Thankfully my close friend is here to help with my son, who has been so sweet. At 18 months old, he just walks up to me and gives me hugs every now and again. I love being his mother and need to see his life unfold.

Keep you all posted…..thanks in advance for the luvin’ I might not have the energy to reply to comments, but feel your strength already.

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These are the hugs that keep a mamma fighting…

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23 comments on “Oh the irony….

  1. Yvonne says:

    I am so sorry. Will be thinking of you and wish you lots of hugs from that sweet little boy today.
    yvonne

  2. Hope there are many prayers for you.

  3. carolecluer says:

    I just wanted to wish you all the best and let you know that I am thinking of you, good luck x

  4. I do not understand cancer at all either. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this S***. I hope your friends find you a comfy maxi dress that you can cuddle up with your little one in and savor that delicious cozy feeling. Sending cyber hugs and strength to you.

  5. Barb Snow says:

    I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that all goes better for you. You might feel very alone in this battle but friends you have never met are pulling for you. Take care.
    Barb in Minnesota

  6. AnneMarie says:

    I’m joining all in sending good thoughts your way. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I hope your friends found a suitable comfy dress for you to wear. Meantime, conserve your energy for that little one. And know you are surrounded by love from more people than you can possibly imagine.

    Much love,

    AnneMarie

  7. billgncs says:

    what a lovely hug!

  8. I’m guessing there’s lots of healing energy from that sweet boy. Hang in there, girl. We’re all pulling for you.

  9. Sending you all my strength and positive vibes. Your son is so beautiful and he needs his mama.

  10. dropjohn says:

    O, sweetie – You know it’s nothing *you* did or didn’t do, right? It’s just life, being unfair.

    and it is wretchedly unfair. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. May it feel better soon.

  11. I began reading your post and teared a bit. Minus the intensity of pain you describe, at first I thought I was reading my own post. Or should I say what I am thinking but don’t feel like blogging about myself. No one can ever know how YOU feel but sometimes, not always, it’s nice to know we aren’t alone. I have my firstsister follow up appt. on pathology that will help provide more info to results from my 6/6 scans and therefore will help guide the next step in my treatment. . . I will be thinking of you Monday and your appt as well. In the meantime I’ll bedo trying to keep the calm for the both of us! Wishing you deminished pain immediately, strength to “fight” how you see fit, and retreating cancer that remains beat down cuz your son, your friends, your family, this world needs you, just like you said! A virtual hug

  12. Reblogged this on jenmeusjourney and commented:
    Sometimes it’s comforting to know there are people out there who can do more than sympathize! Yet disheartening to feel so close to someone elses pain, especially when it’s someone I’ve never met! Wishing healthing thoughts and prayers. . .

  13. jelebelle says:

    You are all so beautiful! I am feeling lifted by your love and spirits sending me light. Thank you!! Feeling a touch better today, looking forward to tomorrow. xoxo

  14. Audra says:

    I met you on Monday at the cancer center. I’ve been praying for you ever since, I’m sorry you don’t feel well this week. I love the picture you posted of your son giving you loves….so precious. I will continue to keep you in my prayers, I hope they find a treatment that works for you ~Audra

  15. jlpaddock says:

    Sending prayers for your body and prayers for your spirit…that you would feel bathed in love. xx L

  16. Mary D'Amato says:

    Awww Jen. I wish I had a magic wand to take all that pain and fear away. I, like the many others on this beautiful blog, can only send you lots of love and +++positive get-well vibes+++ and my thoughts and prayers which are with you daily. I know it must be hard to stay so strong and positive yet knowing you…that will only do, because that, my dear, is simply who you are… a bright spirit. Love you. ~Mary D.

  17. Kendra says:

    I’m so glad your little one is there for comfort. Children have a way of making things normal. Sometimes the fact that we have to be happy for his sake can really help.

  18. Yvonne says:

    Just checking in on you and sending lots of good wishes your way
    yvonne

    • jelebelle says:

      Thanks Yvonne and everyone! I’m working on an update post…just a little thrown emotionally right now but feeling a bit better physically. Hope to get something up tomorrow. Hugs

      • Yvonne says:

        Oh, so glad to hear that!! Glad you’re feeling a bit better physically. You have a ton of people in your corner to lift you up when you need it.
        x

  19. exiledtyke says:

    Some good news on the liver tumours which I hope transfers to all those others which currently afflict you. As you say, you are fighting the good fight and surrounded by love from so many people, not least of whom is your son – lovely picture. Hang on in there, keep the belief strong and know that there will be setbacks along the way which you plan to overcome.

  20. Keep the hugs going ~ they heal! xo

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