Drugs, drugs, drugs. My body feels like an experimental mine field for Dow Chemicals. I had never even taken meds for simple headaches or PMS & now my body is like a 1980s cocktail party. Chemotherapy and anti-biotics (for this wintery cold season, sinus infection, or whatever strikes) coupled with crazy Chinese herbs, needles, vitamins, salts, & stirs; these recipes for healing seem to take on a full time job.
My eyes are heavy and hands still sore, yet moving forward is all i know of what to do, how to be. I am a fighter. Kung fu was my method to expel negative energy, now I have a new ritual of counting doses for this beat cancer thing. I WILL move through this drilling noise of cancer. Shit, I have cancer. It almost feels like an AA admition. Unreal & revealing. I am supposed to have a quiet mind, sometimes the mind is not so quiet in here, but my acupuncturist tells me we fight cancer calmly, not with an angry fight. Positively, I try.
This is somewhere around month six of these shenanigans. The history is odd, cancer free, then boom stage 4… Whatever that means. Etc.etc. It’s best not to think back otherwise I would want to sue the first doc, and kill myself with the ‘what ifs’. I KNEW something was up…even as I read back through here, I can tell. However, my meditation guides me to gratitude for all events that have brought me to now. My Ativan has me calm through the ridiculousness of being grateful for cancer, though if one step were different, perhaps my sweet son would not have been and this is where I find gratitude in each moment. And this is where I find the will to keep on those Monday drugs, drugs and more drugs. Just call me Drugstore Cowgirl.
Here is the list:
Pre-Med of some steroid that I refer to as the deco drug
Every third week
Daily or as needed or as I can deal
Ativan ( or out of it pants, as I like to call it)
Acupuncture twice a week
Mucus powder (the weird Chinese herbs)
Vitamins d, c, multi
Some kind of mushroom herb