it has been a long time…

I write. It used to keep me sane, allow for venting, allow to heal…but it has been a long time.

My hands hurt from the chemo. Nobody ever mentioned this side effect. The hair loss, we all know about, and the eyebrows & lashes dropping with ever tear…I knew this would happen. But my fingernails?!? come on! My hands are too sore to type, write, or ipad swoosh these days. I suppose I can speak into a tape recorder, but it is not as cathartic as the swift type of a key on a typewriter or keyboard, or the pen to paper in the journal. Just another side effect.

I have been so positive. I am hopeful, truly. I have to be, I have a little baby about to turn one in a few days and I am determined to see him at 21, 31, 41 etc. However, I am painfully exhausted from this process of healing. Chemotherapy just doesn’t seem like therapy or healing. I couple it with acupuncture, attempts at meditation, breathing, teas, herbs, wheat grass shots, and as much veggies as my chemo’d body can handle, yet still I. am. tired. Just over six months into this aggressive treatment and I wonder how people do this for years? How they work through it? Are they all getting taxed (Taxol), stripped (Streptozocin…spelling?), & fucked (5FU)? Yup…I came up with these funny and messed up little ways to name the dreaded drugs. It keeps me sane for the eight hours I sit every Monday for my treatment/bloodwork/doctor visit process. I don’t know, most people I speak with in the chemo waiting room seem to only be on one kind of treatment so maybe my doc has faith in my stamina.

I usually do, but seriously….stinky cheese hands with peeling finger nails is fucking nasty. There is a laundry list of other side effects, but I’ll spare you all.

I want to write about this for myself…to clear my head. I want to write for others, to share some of this shit we must go through, and maybe assist with another’s journey, and to write for my husband and son who hopefully will get to have me around for a lot longer, but if not…well…I want Milo to know how hard his mamma fights to stick around for each birthday, and that we should never give up…even when our fingernails fall off, we at least still have our fingers and hands right? So, I am going to not let it be so long and keep this blog going…even if it is just a snapshot from the chemo waiting room to say, I made it through another week. I made it through today’s hours of CT scans with a dreadful cold. I let the radioactive juices cool and came home to my sweet son and fed him dinner. So today wasn’t so bad… yes, my hands hurt as I write this, but may they bleed with determination as I hit each key.

with gratitude, j.

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